Budget speech by Pakistan’s Finance Minister — worth reading

June 6, 2006 at 4:46 pm 3 comments

My dear Higher-ups in Washington and Oh Dear Bottoms-up in Pakistan, this is Shan-O-Shaukat Aziz presenting the "Fudget 2002".  As you know the economy would not Budge an inch. We wanted to "Budge-it", so we prepared a "Budget". The economy would still not Budge.  So the Cheap Executive told me to "Fudge-it" just as IT professionals Fudge data. So again this is Shan-O-Shaukat Aziz with the "2002 Fudget speech".  This Fudget will make Pakistan comparable to Japan (in size) and will make Ethiopian economy envy us. This fudget is exactly according to the aspirations of the govt. and VIPs. We promise that there will be no Mini-Fudgets coming except may be a dozen or two. Now lets take a look at some of the Haay-Haay-Lites:  The National Fudget has a volume of 742 Billion. Of-course, the Volume will put Pressure on the Masses and raise their Temperature. I would like to tell you that I have studied Physics from Univ. of TantaRama at UltaLayria.  150 Billion have been set aside for debt retirement. 50 Billion have been set aside for my own retirement.  The high end commercial financial business overdraft has been curtailed by -0.3% of collateral asset mark-up evaluation for adhoc bank cleans T/Ts encompassing the capital gains overflow trade trend. Whoever has included this in the speech, should see me afterwards.  100 Billions have been reserved for defense staff. "200 Bullions" have been reserved by the wives of the defense staff.  My poor Pakistanis, what's wrong with you….At a time when the Cheap Executive has bright imaginations of breaking the assembly…all you think is about breaking the bread. You have to grow up … I mean grow up your own bread.  The past finance minister "Surcharge Aziz" levied so many taxes on poor people. Actually people always mean poor. So, as I was saying that there were so many Sur-Charges forced on people; our govt. has replaced all of them by "Sir-Sharges". The "Sir" is sitting in President's House and "Charges" are "Charging".  According to a health study, Oil and Ghee is bad for health. That's Why we have increased the price of shortenings by Rs.15. This will encourage the public to start eating healthy by boiling the food. Of-course we have raised the prices of Sui-Gas by 15% because another study shows that eating raw preserves all the nutrients. In fact, we have raised the prices of all edibles by 20% because another study shows that eating is the cause of all ailments. This will encourage the masses to drink water and eat air. Verily, 50% of the population doesn't have water and the other 50% don't have clean air and so this will encourage Pakistanis to….Let me get back to the speech.  90 Billion have been allocated for domestic loans servicing. 89 Billion have been allocated for "Cheekh of Army Staff's" limousine servicing.  The Cheekh of Staff told me personally that as a great service to Common man we should reduce the tariff on imported cars. So, we have come up with a formula – the bigger the engine, the lesser the duty. Now let’s take an example. A very un-common man with a 0 CC engine (Paidal!) will pay 200% duty. A not so common man owning Toyota Super Saloon with a 2500 CC engine will pay 100% duty. A very common man with Mercedes S500 with 5000 CC engine will pay 0% duty. And if one can import a luxury liner with 500,000 CC, govt. will pay him from its own pocket.  The Tauheen-e-Risalat law was causing problems in Capital…I mean Capitol Hill. So we have decided to replace it with "Tauheen-e-Washington" law. This law has two corollaries:  1) Tauheen-e-World Tank 2) Tauheen-e-International Monetary Fraud  Hence anyone who criticizes Washington or revolts against World Bank/IMF policies will have to pay a dear price. The dear price will be deposited in the National Exchequer.  Our Foran Exchange policy is unaltered. If you have Black Money in Rupees, Foran Exchange it into Dollars. If you have black money in dollars, Foran Exchange into gray money. Gray reminds me of the hair color of the President; gray is such a beautiful color as my suit is also gray.  Phone charges are up by 15% & Phony charges by 20%, Milk is up 25% & Silk is up 30%, Atta is up by 35% & Ghata is up by 40%, income tax is up by 45% & outcome tax by 50%.  All subsidies have been taken back. This is done to make sure that the public can stand on its own feet and stop relying on govt. support.  Also, what govt. gives, it can take back as well. What people give, they cannot take it back.  At last there is some good news. US economy is improving which gives me the hope of getting my last job back at Citi Bank after I am done with Pakistan.  These Haay-Lites will give you a good insight of the way things will turn out in 2002. I have to leave now, as I am about to attend a wedding where 5,000 people will be having dinner in violation of the federal rule.  World Bank Paeend-a-Baad Pakistan Aaeend-a-Baad Chief Executive Shaad-bad Washington Manzil-e-Murad

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Entry filed under: wow....

Aisa bhi kabhi hota hey.. Karo-Kari

3 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Adnan Siddiqi  |  June 7, 2006 at 5:14 am

    Simply awesome.Wonderful satire.

    Reply
  • 2. Adnan Siddiqi  |  June 7, 2006 at 5:15 am

    who wrote this?

    Reply
  • 3. malang  |  June 7, 2006 at 12:20 pm

    No Idea, would love to know though!
    Got it through email a few years ago, thought it is the right time to share it. 🙂

    Reply

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